SNAFU
by Le Requiem
Summary: Sakura always hated using the bathroom at these swanky soirees...in which Sasuke finds himself shopping for bullet proof panty liners in a tux. Assassinations and building jumps ensue. Not to mention a towel scene. — SasuSaku, AU


**disclaimer**_standard disclaimer

**note1**_thanks bruhaeven for beta-ing  
><strong>note2<strong>_I think I had too much fun writing this…  
><strong>note 3<strong>_ edit: 06 07 12

* * *

><p>SNAFU<p>

situation normal: all fucked up

.

.

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It was another assassination assignment.

The venue was the ballroom of some ritzy hotel. It was a gaudy space with all the works: vaulted ceilings, monstrous crystal chandeliers, and suited waiters weaving through the well-dressed crowd with silver trays of champagne and hors d'oeuvres. In one corner a famous string quartet was performing a light, airy waltz over the low din of the guests' high-brow chatter.

It was a black tie-affair, and they were dressed for the occasion. Sakura was in a floor-length, scarlet number that was deceivingly demure in the front while the back featured a deep-v that plunged dangerously near the bottom of her spine. Sasuke stood beside her in a tux, looking as he always did: detached and dignified. Or just pompous, depending on however one wanted to see it.

"You're blending in really well, Sasuke. Then again, you always look like that."

He looked at her from the corner of his eye. "Like what?"

"Like you're lording over the rest of world."

Sakura laughed at his sour expression and took a sip of her champagne. "Relax, I was just kidding. Sort of, not really. Here, would you hold this for me? I need to use the bathroom."

"We have a job to do," he reminded her. He sounded annoyed but still took the long, fluted glass from her hands as she walked past him.

The curtain of diamonds hanging from her ears caught the light as her head turned to look over her shoulder. "I won't take too long. Flirt with someone if you get bored."

He rolled his eyes and one corner of her mouth kicked up into a teasing grin.

As she sashayed off, Sasuke noticed more than just a few eyes stray towards his partner's svelte figure.

That dress is too tight, he thought and began to calculate the necessary adjustments in order to bring the gown up to a more acceptable standard. Or at least that's what he told himself he was doing as he stared after her backside.

.

.

.

Sakura always hated using the bathroom at these chichi soirees.

There was just something unexplainably vulgar about sitting on a toilet seat in four inch heels and a thousand dollar dress bunched up in her arms. Not to mention how cramped these stalls were. You'd think the stall sizes would be proportional to the hotel's swankiness, but nope, it was as claustrophobic as your average public bathroom's.

Still, she had had to piss like a pregnant woman and it was always a bitch to do a job on a full bladder.

She wiped and went to flush and then let out a pained groan.

"Of all the times…" Sakura grumbled as she plopped back down on the porcelain seat.

She took her red clutch from the small shelf next to her and popped it open. When she peered into it her eyes grew wide.

"Shhhhhhhiiiiiit," she hissed as she began to frantically paw through the purse's contents: Berreta 92, lipstick, compact, extra magazine of bullets, gum, cell phone, house keys…

"Shit, shit, SHIT."

This was so not happening.

.

.

.

Sasuke wove through the crowd looking like he had just eaten something foul. Sakura had been gone for twenty three minutes and he was loosing his patience...for god's sakes, they had a job to do

He suspected she was either doing something stupid like fixing her makeup or had done something even stupider, like fall into the toilet. Knowing her, he suspected the latter.

Suddenly a woman with thick black hair slid in front of him, tossing her hair and batting her eyelashes coquettishly. "Why hello there handsome," she purred and pushed her shoulders back to make sure her "girls" greeted him as well.

He didn't have time for this. "Do you want a drink?"

She gave him a sultry smile. "Of course I'd love—"

"Here, take two." He thrust both glasses of champagne into the woman's hands and brushed past her. "And get some eyedrops for that twitch," he suggested over his shoulder.

"Wait! No, I meant—"

He didn't bother looking back and quickly lost her as a wall of people gathered between them.

"Damn it, she better not be taking a dump," he muttered darkly.

When he finally got to the front of the bathroom, he hesitated when he read the golden plaque on the door proclaiming its uncompromising decree: Ladies.

Sasuke grimaced. If Naruto ever learned about this he'd never hear the end of it. But a partner was a partner, so after milling around outside to ascertain no one was coming out or going in, Sasuke ducked into the women's room. Plus, who knew? Maybe Sakura actually had fallen into the toilet bowl.

Behind him the door swung shut on the party, sealing him in a heavy silence. "Sakura?" He called out, already leaning towards the exit incase it was some other woman that answered.

"Sasuke?" a familiar voice rang out from behind a stall.

He relaxed and made his way towards her. "So you were still here. Just what—"

"Finally! God, took you long enough! Do you know how long I've been waiting for you?"

"What?" Sasuke frowned. There was clearly something wrong with this picture.

"How could you leave your partner alone at such a critical moment!"

He couldn't make any sense of what she was saying, so he just asked: "Don't you have a cell phone?"

"The batteries are dead! Plus you never pick up. Anyways, I've been counting every single tile on the floor, twice. There're forty-four of them—"

"Sakura—"

"Fifty-six if you count all the ones that are half way in the other—"

"Sakura—"

"—side of the stall. I couldn't really count all the ones around the toilet seat because they're in

weird shapes—"

"Sakura! What the hell are you—"

"I got my period."

Silence.

"Hello? Sasuke? Hey are you still—"

"No, I'm leaving now. I'll be waiting outside, so just hurry up and…take care of it," he said stiffly and began moving towards the exit.

"Hold on!"

"What?" He demanded.

It was Sakura's turn to squirm. "Uhm…I… don't…have...any pads."

"Don't they sell them in the dispensers?" Not that Sasuke knew from first hand experience, but he had heard from Naruto, who had heard from his teacher Jiriaiya, who was apparently well informed when it came to these sorts of…things. "I thought I saw some just outside."

"No, they only have tampons! I can't use tampons!"

"What's the difference?"

"You stick tampons…never mind, I…I just can't okay?" Sakura sighed loudly. "Look, you're going to have to go down to the store and buy some for me."

"Sakura, we have an assignment to do!" He hated taking too long on a job, especially one that required them to crash such a high profile event. The more time they spent here the greater they risked being uncovered. That and he was not about to go shopping for some freaking panty-liners.

"We can kill the guy any time, after all, he is the host. He's not going anywhere for a while." Sakura reminded him.

"Can't you just, I don't know, stick some toilet paper there, or something?"

Sakura didn't say anything and, at first, Sasuke thought she was mulling over the idea. "Sasuke," she began in a deceptively calm voice, "right now my Berreta is aimed right between your legs where the sun don't shine. I don't know if this door is bullet proof, but we can always test it out if you want." There was click as she released the safety on the gun.

Sasuke shook his head and rolled his eyes. "You don't need to be so dramatic about it."

"Shut up!" Sakura banged the door angrily with the butt of her gun. "It's because you're acting so damn male!"

"Was that supposed to be an insult?" Most of the time Sasuke got shit from Naruto about acting too female.

"Look, I'm not going to use toilet paper to—ugh—just stop being so stupid and get me some pads!"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled noisily. "Fine, just stay here then. I'll be back in a bit with your…stuff."

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere," came her sullen reply.

After Sasuke left, Sakura sighed wearily and shifted around the toilet. Her ass was starting to fall asleep. This definitely would make it onto her list of Worst Assignments Ever. At the top of the list was The Squirrel Incident which involved a high speed car chase and a particular woodland creature. Freaking Naruto couldn't just run over the damn rodent.

She scratched the back of her head at the sudden memory, absentmindedly running her finger along the scar that the fifteen stitches had left on her scalp.

"Excuse me?" Sakura almost jumped off the toilet seat at the sound of the voice. A hand appeared beneath the partition to her left and waved a white packaged square in its grasp. "I have some extra pads if you want."

"Ah!" Sakura almost squealed in delight as she took the bundle of pure absorbent bliss. "You're a life savior, gods, thank you so much!"

"Not at all, not at all," the woman replied pleasantly.

"No, really, thank you! I was seriously dying in here," Sakura told her. It gave her the warm fuzzies to know that the world was still filled with Good People.

As Sakura flushed and started to yank her dress back down, three things occurred to her:

First, her butt cheeks were incredibly sore.

Second, Ms. Good Samaritan had probably overheard that entire appallingly embarrassing conversation she had with Sasuke.

And third, in that appallingly embarrassing conversation they had more or less admitted that they were planning on killing the host of the party, and Ms. Good Samaritan was receiving the news surprisingly well.

It could be that the lady was just being a beautiful human being and minding her own business, but something told Sakura that probably wasn't it.

"Damn it," she muttered as she once again pulled her gun out of her clutch.

She just couldn't get a break tonight.

.

.

.

Fortunately for Sasuke (and by extension, Sakura), there happened to be a convenience store located a convenient block away from the hotel. Sasuke ignored the stares his attire and question drew from the workers ("Where do you guys sell pads? Yes, the ones you use during menstruation.") and made his way down to Aisle 9: Feminine Hygiene Products.

Sasuke hadn't known what to expect but this, this was just…

"Fucking hell."

The entire section was crammed with an assortment of sanitary napkins, all vying for his attention in their pastel-y packaging and throwing out slogans like "amazing absorbency" and "reassuring protection" or "no two periods are created equal". Sasuke wondered what the last one was supposed to even mean.

He made his way down the aisle reading the labels and trying to sort out what was what: Shtayfree Ultra Thin, Shtayfree Ultra Thin Moderate Protection, Shtayfree Ultra Thin Heavy Protection, Cotex Thin Light Protection, Cotex Super Plus Protection, NEW! Cotex Tween Combo Pack!, Alwus Infinity Long Overnight Super Protection Ultra Aloe-Scented—

Damn it, what was this? As a guy the most difficult decision he ever had to make was choosing between a Gillete fusion and Gillete Mach3. And what the hell was with this whole "protection" business? What, did women use pads to bullet-proof their underwear now?

He eyed the packages before him and then grabbed a comparatively plain looking box off the shelves. He read the label: "Alwus Regular". All right, good, sounds normal enough. He then turned it over: "NOW WITH WINGS!"

Sasuke groaned. Wings? Wings for what?

He pushed away the mental image of feathered panties and pulled out his cell phone, pressing "2" on the speed dial.

"Hello?"

"Sakura—" Sasuke started.

"Hello? Hello? Hellooooo? "

"Hey, this is Sasuke. Listen—"

An automated voice suddenly cut in, "Please leave a message after the beep, Beeeep."

"Damn it, Sakura! I told you to change that voicemail! It's annoying as hell!" he yelled into the phone before hanging up and shoving it back into his pocket. He had forgotten that her batteries were dead.

Sasuke looked back up again at the shelves reproachfully. He was going to need a shopping cart for this.

.

.

.

Sasuke knew something was wrong before he even entered the bathroom. There were a few small clues, but it was the two burly men standing guard outside the ladies' room that was the dead give away.

One eyed him suspiciously as the other, bald-headed one spoke into an earpiece. "He's here. Yes, I think it's him. Got it. Don't worry, we will." The bald one nodded to the other man and they frisked him, relieving him of his guns.

When Sasuke entered the bathroom, two men leered at him from behind a tall woman with a long, black pony-tail. She crossed her arms and smirked. "I assume you're Sasuke Uchiha, right?"

"If you know it's me, don't ask," Sasuke told her, annoyance written all over his face. If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was when people pointed out the obvious.

"Hey, hey, pretty boy, watch your mouth," the man with messy dark hair smiled as he casually raised his gun at Sasuke. "You need to start realizing the situation here."

"Sorry, the only thing I've managed to 'realize' is that I'm in the women's room and there's an idiot waving his gun around in my face. Are you going to fill in the blanks or do you just want to keep playing Super Villain with me?"

"Why you—"

"Cool it, Zaku," the shorter man commanded. Most of his face was hidden behind a wrapping of bandages. He looked at Sasuke with one eye. "Sasuke Uchiha, our boss would like to meet with you. He has a proposition—"

Sasuke broke him off. "Where's Sakura?" he demanded.

"Hahah, if you're looking for your woman, she's not here!" Zaku taunted.

"You know where she is," Sasuke observed.

Zaku grinned and held up a silver hand gun. He dangled it in the air before he let it clatter to the bathroom floor. He kicked the weapon towards Sasuke who instantly recognized it as Sakura's favorite Berreta.

"Hell yeah I do, but I'm not about to tell— "

A shot cracked through the air and Zaku's words were taken over by a howl of pain.

"FUUUUUCK!" He dropped to one knee and gripped his leg where blood was seeping out of a freshly made bullet wound.

Instantly the other two drew their own firearms. Sasuke parried by pulling out a second gun from the inside of his jacket and training it on the other two.

"Kin! I thought you told the guys to get check him for weapons!" the bandaged man shouted angrily at the woman as he tightened his grip on his revolver. He didn't like the way Sasuke barely batted an eye despite being in point blank range of both weapons. There was something unnerving behind the man's easy confidence.

"I did! Hold on!" Kin kept her gun trained on Sasuke as she spoke into her earpiece. "Hey you two, the hell is going on? Uchiha still has his weapons on him! Hey! Answer me! Damn it, there's no answer. He must've knocked them out!"

Sasuke ignored the woman and Bandage Face who panicking like headless chickens. He kept his attention fixed on the wounded man before him. "You're not going to tell me? Good, then it'll make this a lot more interesting." He said with a smile.

Zaku began to grow cold when he realized that Sasuke's smile was genuine.

.

.

.

"You sick man!" Sakura faltered, "You…you are a man, right?"

The tall, gaunt man rolled his eyes as he tossed his curtain of long black hair over his shoulders. Sakura couldn't help but noticed how thick, and glossy—oh no, no, no, no, no, she did not have hair envy for this sketch. "Of coursssse I'm a man you ssssstupid girl."

She rolled her eyes. "Could've of fooled me. And what's up with that lisp?"

"It'sssss not a lissssp," he hissed. Literally.

"Whatever, it's annoying. Anyways, get me down from here! Damn it, this is just kinky and wrong and you're a sick man-lady!" Sakura yelled indignantly. "No wonder we got orders to kill you!" Her hands were bound and the rest of rope had been tied to the fan of the hotel room's ceiling, forcing her to hold her arms over her head. Actually, it wasn't really that kinky, but it was starting to get seriously uncomfortable. She had an itch on the tip of her nose.

"You're getting to be irritatingsssss," the androgynous being said darkly. Sakura still couldn't believe she was a he.

"Irritating doesn't even have an 's' in it!" She yelled indigently.

"Sssssilence! Bessssides, I need you asssss a bartering chip sssssso that Ssssssassssuke-kun will give me hisssssss body."

Sakura's face screwed up with disgust. She remembered reading Orochimaru's files. He was a sick man who had made his fortune by harvesting organs and selling them on the black market. The donors of said black-market organs were usually very healthy, very alive, and very much unwilling to part with their vitals

"What so that you can take his kidneys? Experiment on his vitals?"

Orochimaru looked at her distastefully. "I have better plansssssss for hissssssssss beautiful body than mere experimentsssssss." Suddenly he smiled as a though occurred to him. "Although, I ssssupose a few experiments would be…amusssssing," he giggled. Okay, chuckled, but it was a dirty, evil kind of chuckle.

Sakura didn't really understand what his words meant but that greasy, perverted smile on the man's face said more than words ever would. "You—! Oh my—that's just—you unclean little—Damn it! Sasuke doesn't even swing that way."

"Hmmm…yesssss, well he might for you." Orochimaru's mouth twisted into something that couldn't be dignified by being called a "smile". "Nobel men are alwaysssss brought to their kneessssss when they see their women in plight."

"As romantic as that sounds, I've got two facts for you. One, Sasuke isn't noble, he's arrogant. There's a difference. Two, I am not his 'woman' you chauvinistic bastard! And you need a serious tan!" Sakura threw in the last part.

"Denial issss ssssuch an unssssightly thing. Now, hold ssstill."

She suddenly grew wary as the man began approaching her with a scalpel. "What are you doing…"

"Putting you in plight. I'm sssssure he'll be more resssseptive to my offer if he sssseessss you with a few misssssing partsssssssss." His grin widened.

Sakura's eyes bulged as she tried to back away from the man. Unfortunately, there wasn't much slack in the rope to begin with and she only managed to skitter back a few inches. "Uhm, I like my kidneys where they are, thanks."

He grabbed her by the face with his clammy hands and Sakura tried to shake it off, but he was surprisingly strong despite his waifish appearance. "Sssstupid girl, you'd probably die if I cut out your kidneys. Then you'd be usssselesss to me."

Sakura nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, yes, smart man—"

He tightened his grip on her jaws and brought the scalpel hazardously close to her eyeball. "That'ssss why I'm going to take an eye."

"WHAT?" Sakura squawked in horror as she stared cross-eyed at the point of the blade, thrashing futilely against her bindings.

"Left? Or right? I'll give you a choissssse."

"Hold on, wait, waitwaitwaitwait—"

"Or maybe both? There'sss sssssomething beautifully tragic about a romansssssse where one of the two loverssssss issss blind..." He mused.

"I thought you were giving me a choice," Sakura said weakly.

"Then, hurry up and make a choisssse before I choossssse for you."

Sakura was still on the fence about which eye when there was a knock at the door.

Orochimaru nodded at his man servant, Kabuto, who put a chain on the lock and cracked open the door.

"Is this Orochimaru's room?" Sakura heard a familiar voice ask.

"Ah, so you're—" Kabuto was cut off as Sasuke shot off the chain lock and kicked the door open in his face. Kabuto hit the carpet with a bloody nose, moaning.

Sasuke stepped over him without a second glance, dragging someone along behind him with one hand and a black plastic bag dangling off the other arm. After a few steps, he threw the person on the floor before him and the man let out a pained groaned. Judging by the unnatural position of his arms, Sakura realized that his shoulders had been dislocated.

"Huh, you were telling the truth. Smart guy," Sasuke said to Zaku as he kicked the door shut behind him.

"Fuck you," he managed to spit out.

Sasuke ignored him as he surveyed the room. His expression barely faltered when his gaze landed on Sakura and her situation. He merely arched a questioning eyebrow.

"The lady overheard our conversation," she explained.

"Hello Sassssssuke-kun, I've been waiting for you," Orochimaru greeted. He moved so he was now standing behind Sakura, her face still in his hands. He grinned as he teasingly twirled the surgical blade in his slender fingers. "I have an offer for you that you won't be able to resissssst."

"Are you Orochimaru?"

"Yessssssss."

Sasuke turned his attention back towards Sakura who nodded in confirmation. "Yeah, he's the one."

"Sssssassssuke-kun, I have a propossssi—"

BANG.

Orochimaru was dead before he even hit the ground, the bullet hole in his forehead weeping blood.

"Not interested," Sasuke told the corpse.

"Orochimaru-sama!" Kabuto shrieked. "You ass! You'll pay for that! Pay!"

Sasuke ignored Four-Eyes' trite expletives and took the scalpel from Orochimaru's cold, dead fingers. He reached up and began to saw away at the rope that strung Sakura from the ceiling. Sakura meanwhile, tried engaging him in conversation to distract herself from how close their bodies were pressed together.

"So…" She tried. She averted her eyes to her right and was met with Orochimaru's still grinning face. Creeped out, she shifted her gaze to her left where Zaku was still writhing in pain with his arms flopped uselessly around him. Not as creepy, still not too nice of a view. Finally she settled for looking at their feet, taking great interest in his shiny loafers.

"Sakura."

"Yeah?" Her head automatically shot up. Bad move; he had been looking down and there was only a fist sized space between their faces. She felt his breath tickle her skin and she turned scarlet and quickly dropped her head again. "Sorry!" She turned scarlet. "What?"

Sasuke was silent for a long moment. "Change that damn voicemail of yours," he finally said.

"Only when you start picking up your phone."

He snorted. "I always pick up my phone." Sakura felt the rope above her begin to vibrate again as Sasuke restarted his endeavor to cut her free. She hadn't realized that he had stopped.

"If you lie, hair will grow out of your butt hole—"

A round of gun shots ricocheted outside the door. Both Sasuke and Sakura snapped their attention to the noise. "Open up!" A muffled voice demanded on the other side, "This is ANBU! We have reason to believe there is a wanted criminal in this room!"

"Hell," Sakura cursed.

Kabuto burst out in unhinged laughter. "It's over for all of you! HAH! Over! HAHAH!"

Sasuke grimaced as he began to work faster at the rope, keen on avoiding a confrontation with the law. He and Sakura both had badges declaring them as operatives of Team 7, thus giving them an official, government-issued License to Kill. The tricky part however, was as far as most of the government knew, Team 7 technically didn't exist. If they were ever taken into custody by their own employers, it would cause loads of red tape and files stamped with TOP SECRET across the front to flood into the picture. The headaches that would ensue were enough to turn anyone off from revealing their secret agent status.

The ANBU force outside were still shooting away at the door when finally Sakura's hands fell from above her head. She held out her still-bound wrists, "Sasuke! Hurry and—"

"Hold this." He crammed the black plastic bag into her hands.

"What's—"

"Your pads," Sasuke replied brusquely as he got down on one knee and grabbed the bottom of her gown.

"Oh really? Thanks." She peered into the bag. "Holy crap, why are there so many—"

Riiiiiiiiip.

"W-W-WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Sakura screeched as she bludgeoned him over the head with the plastic bag. It rustled loudly as its plush, absorbent, flex-winged contents harmlessly bounced off of her partner's stupid head.

Sasuke ignored her attempted assault and continued tearing at the dress until he was holding a long stretch of red fabric. His impromptu "tailoring" had turned her evening gown into a short cock-tail dress with a frayed edge that hit her mid-thigh.

The pink-haired woman blushed something fierce. "You—you! I feel so violated! I can't believe you, you perv! I'm going to tell Naruto about this! And Kakashi-sensei! They'll rip out your spine and beat you with it! I swear—"

"Take your shoes off," Sasuke ordered, "they'll just weigh you down in the water."

"Don't tell me you have foot fetish now—"

"Sakura, we're going to do a window jump."

She froze and looked to her right. Her reflection ghosted in the floor-to-ceiling windows that took up the entire length of the wall. Beyond the glass was nothing but the pitch black night. "But we're on the tenth floor! Besides these are Jimmy Choos!" Sakura objected, even as she starting kicking her heels off. She hated window jumping.

"Twelfth," Sasuke corrected as he began to hammer the butt of his gun against the window. The glass spider-webbed beneath the blows until it finally shattered, huge shards of it falling to the carpet as a burst of cold wind swept into the room.

Sasuke kicked out what glass was left in the windowpane to make the hole bigger and then pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number.

Three rings later, a cheerful voice picked up on the other line. "Yo! Wuddup bast—"

"Naruto, listen up, we have a new rendezvous point."

"Huh? What? We do? Where?"

"In the river, behind the hotel. "

"Wait what? What do you mean in the river—"

"Bring some towels." Sasuke hung up and threw the phone behind him. At the same moment, the door to the hotel room burst open and an influx of armed men came flooding into the room in a storm of stomping boots and weapons loading. Angry, official voices commanding everyone to "Get down!" and "Put your hands in the air!".

"Sasuke, my wrists!"

"No time, come on." Sasuke placed the scalpel between his teeth and pulled a protesting Sakura into his embrace.

"Hey! We said—!" The ANBU's demands were snatched away by the wind as Sasuke threw them out into the empty space.

The wind slashed at their clothes and skin as they plummeted feet first. Sakura felt her stomach float into her chest where her heart was thudding madly. Adrenaline coursed through her system, telling her to be terrified but she wasn't. Sasuke's arms were locked tightly around her like a promise and the smooth aroma of his cologne was oddly reassuring.

Sakura had barely filled her lungs when they plunged into the freezing water. The impact slammed the air out of her and water rocketed up her nose. Her head spun and the sound of churning bubbles filled her ears. An arm gripped her tightly around the waist and began dragging her up. Blindly, Sakura kicked out behind her, desperate to speed her escape from this dark, airless world.

After what her lungs would have sworn was an eternity, they popped to the surface like corks, coughing and breathing hard for the cold night air. Sakura's head was spinning and it was freezing and her hands were still tied but fortunately Sasuke was helping her tread water and—holy crap where was he putting his hands?

"Sasuke, just to let you know, that's not where my waist is at."

The hands flew off from Sakura's thighs so quickly that her head slipped back under water. Before she could begin to panic, Sasuke's arm looped around her again—this time on her waist, thank you very much—and yanked her back up.

She coughed loudly and gagged as water burned her airways. (Okay, so maybe she upped the theatrics a tiny bit). "What the hell, you jerk!" She sputtered.

"Sorry," Sasuke muttered, glad that it was too dark for her to see the faint blush tinting his

cheeks.

"I would totally head butt you right now but then it would make it hard for me to stay afloat and that would just suck."

"Yeah, I guess that would suck," Sasuke remarked dryly.

A silence hung between them as he continued to tread water for the both of them.

After a while, Sakura's conscience (damn it, she couldn't believe she still had one) began to raise it's ugly head. "Hey…aren't you getting tired?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Are you lying?"

"No."

"No?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"No."

"Ah hah! I knew it!" And then in a smaller voice she said, "I'm sorry."

Sasuke glared at her. "Sakura, if you don't stop, I'm going to let go."

"You. Wouldn't. Dare." She narrowed her eyes back at him.

He smirked and for one horrible second she felt the arm around her waist loosen and she yelped in surprise as she dropped to her chin in the water. Instinctively she wrapped her legs around Sasuke to keep herself from going under. Using his body as leverage she hoisted herself upwards. "You asshole!" She screeched as she brought her fists down on his head.

"Ow! Fucking…damn it, relax Sakura I was kidding," Sasuke told her and tightened his hold on her again. "And un-wrap your legs, it's making it hard to keep us both afloat."

"Maybe you should just go under so I can use your corpse as a flotation device," Sakura muttered darkly as she complied.

"Bodies don't float." Sasuke pointed out.

"Shut up, you would because you have such a fat head. And how are you still talking with that

thing in your mouth."

Before Sasuke could explain it was more between his teeth than in his mouth, however, the sound of a running engine roared behind her. Sakura turned her head around and relief flooded through her as she spotted the familiar black speed boat cutting towards them.

"Damn it, Sasuke!" A blonde shouted angrily from the deck as the boat sidled up besides the two in the water, "don't go trying to be badass and leave cryptic messages about where to—Sakura-chan! Holy crap! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine!" Sakura assured him.

"I told you in the river, didn't I?" Sasuke said coolly.

"That statement is so freaking general! This river is huge, not to mention how dark it is! Plus I had to put away the helicopter since you decided to be an asshole and change the whole plan. Do you even know how hard it is to find parking for that thing—"

Sakura cut off the blonde's rant, "Naruto, I'm getting cold here."

"Oh, right, sorry. Come here, I'll help you in."

"Her hands are tied," Sasuke explained as he passed their female teammate over.

"What? Bastard! I told you if you let anything happened to— what is that in your mouth?"

"Naruto," Sakura said impatiently; she was still halfway in the water.

"Oops, my bad. All right, here we go, one, two, upsy daisy!"

The river sloshed around Sakura's ankles as Naruto lifted her out and set her carefully down on the deck.

"Thanks," Sakura said shivering.

"Any time, hey what's that in your hands?"

"Huh?" Sakura looked down and realized she had been gripping the bag full of pads the entire time. "Oh…these? These…are…"

"Bullet-proof panty-liners," Sasuke said louder than he intended as he flung himself over the edge of the boat, rolling onto the deck in a soggy heap.

"I wasn't asking you, perv," Naruto said, now looking at Sasuke's water-logged form with disdain. "And seriously what is that thing in your mouth?"

Sasuke got to his feet and squelched over to where Sakura was sitting. He took the surgical blade from between his teeth. "Do you have a knife on you?"

"What? Not right now, I left most of my stuff on the 'copter…"

Sasuke looked unsurprised by Naruto's answer and squatted before Sakura, holding her wrists in one hands as he began to cut away at the rope.

"Ohhhh!" Sakura realized, "That's why you brought that!"

The black haired man snorted. "Why else did you think I'd stick this in my mouth?"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Naruto cracked, cackling madly until he realized his teammates were both glaring at him. "Whaaat? It was funny!" He protested.

Sakura rolled her eyes, "Anyways, where's Kakashi-sensei?"

"Oh he's in the wheel house, driving…" Naruto trailed off and looked around, realizing they were still sitting motionlessly on the river. He let out an irritated noise, "I mean, he's probably wheel house reading his porn. Damn it, I told him to take the controls. Gyah, it looks like I'm going have to drive this thing. Here," Naruto rummaged through a container behind him and pulled out two towels, "you two dry off. I'm going to go check on sensei." Naruto said as he turned to head towards the control room.

"Yeah, thanks—ooo, finally, that feels so much better," Sakura said as she rubbed the raw skin around her wrists. Sasuke took the frayed pieces of ropes and lobbed them overboard.

"That's bad for the environment," Sakura scolded.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and held out his hand. "Just hurry up."

"I bet you kick puppies, too," she remarked as she let him help her up.

"Yes, right after I finish drowning my daily quota of kittens," he said dryly.

Sakura deadpanned. "That's just horrible."

"…I was kidding, Sakura."

"The fact that you could even think of something like that just goes to show how sick and twisted you are," Sakura shot back.

Sasuke didn't bring up the fact that she was the one who brought up puppy-kicking in the first place. He threw a towel over her head, "Just dry off."

Sakura took it and shoved it back into his hands. "Hold on, I need to use the bathroom."

"Again?"

Sakura dangled the black plastic bag by her head, looking at him pointedly.

"Right," Sasuke muttered.

Sakura disappeared below deck and Sasuke plopped himself down on the bench attached to the side of the boat and began toweling off his hair. He heard Naruto's voice squawking through the glass of the wheelhouse as he threw a fit at their teacher, followed by the milder tone of Kakashi's lazy reply. Seconds later the engine roared to life and the wind picked up as they sped through the river.

His pink-haired partner came back up after a few minutes and sat down next to him, putting the bag of pads on his lap. "120 foot free fall into a body of water and they were all still dry. I'm going to find the genius who designed the packaging on these and French his brains out. The handsome man is a life saver."

"It's because it was packaged in plastic," Sasuke said. "There's nothing amazing about it."

"Yes there is, and why are you giving these back to me?" Sakura asked as she held up the plastic bag which Sasuke had shoved back into her hands.

"You expect me to use them?"

"I don't know? Use them as drywall the next time you're remodeling; there're enough in there I'm sure," Sakura paused and opened the bag, looking down at the selection with a disconcerted expression, "why are there so many of them again?"

"Blame your gender's propensity towards consumerism."

"What's that even supposed to mean? I asked why you bought so many damn pads, not for some sexist remark."

"Just give them away as birthday presents, I don't know," he answered, exasperated.

"Shut up, that's stupid."

"So is sitting out here with your hair still wet," he rejoined as he draped her towel over her head.

"I was getting to it," Sakura grumbled as she began tugging out bobby pins from her hair and rubbing the towel through her pink locks. She twisted the towel into a turban on her head and began trying to adjust the front of her dress which was sagging in all the wrong places. Sakura suddenly flinched as something cold, wet, and soggy covered her shoulders.

"Wear that," Sasuke ordered after he draped his jacket over her.

Sakura shivered as the wind made the wet fabric flap against her skin, raising a colony of goose bumps all over her body. "The hell! You're not supposed to give me a wet jacket. This isn't romantic at all!" Sakura protested as she began removing his sad, pathetic attempt at chivalry. "I'm going to get sick."

Sasuke snorted. "Keep it on, I'm not doing it because you're cold. That dress is too short."

"Well whose fault is that Sir Rips-A-Lot-Of-Freaking-Dresses?"

"That extra two yards of cloth would have just weighed you down in the water, you know that."

Sakura let out a frustrated noise. "What, so you'd rather I'd catch a cold than show a little skin?"

"Yes," he answered coolly.

Sakura's thoughts stumbled for a second and the corner of Sasuke's lips kicked up into a smirk when he saw the surprised look on her face. He put an arm on her shoulders and pulled her close to him.

"What are you—"

"Making sure you won't get sick," he answered in an off hand voice. He hoped Sakura wouldn't take the moment to be stupid and point out that getting sick was actually due to viruses and had no correlation with temperature, what so ever.

Thankfully she kept her mouth shut, though not for long. Sakura suddenly let out a loud sigh. Sasuke tried to keep his face even when she pulled away from him, slipping out of his dinner jacket. "You know Sasuke, we have towels," she said as she took the towel from his lap and draped it over her shoulders.

"Right," he said evenly, trying to keep his face as emotionless as possible, given the circumstances. He was contemplating suicide by strangulating himself with his bow tie when something pressed against the side of his arm. He turned and looked down, seeing Sakura leaning against him with a small smile.

"Hey, getting cold here," Sakura said a little impatiently. "Do you want me to get sick?"

"There is no correlation between catching a cold and the actual cold," Sasuke said a little smugly.

"Didn't stop you before," Sakura shot back.

Damn it. "True," he conceded as he moved to put his arm around her.

Sakura felt like she was falling again, though this time it was harder, faster, and more heart stopping than any twelve story fall. And the strong arm locked around her made that same, silent promise to never let go.

.

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><p><strong>author's note_<strong>

1. hope you enjoyed


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